My Craigslist personals ad

What I'm looking for...

What I need is a woman that tells the truth. You know, that stuff that may be unpleasant, or make you look less cool or a bit foolish? Internet dating is hard enough to navigate without women using camera angles to hide their 3 chins, whithered baby arm, or third eye growing underneath their bangs.

I need a woman that's not overly-sensitive. This is a problem in the South. I can't count the times I've heard "you are so rude", petulantly spoken like a teenager by a 28 year old woman. If you're fishing for compliments sometimes you're going to catch an old tire. "Do these pants make me look fat?" No, your big fat thighs make you look fat.

I like women who are sane. Every woman in the South seems to have been molested as a child, and feels that the best way to deal with it is by torturing their boyfriends with flashbacks, and tears. Low self-esteem also is a big problem. Do you need me to make you feel good about yourself? Ain't gonna happen. I'm a grown man, not a babysitter.

Speaking of that, I don't need any mothers. Look, you had a kid, great, wonderful: you deal with it. I've worn condoms to avoid having to deal with children.

I need a woman that has a great sense of humor. Not just someone that laughs at the latest Family Guy episode, but someone that could write a Family Guy episode.

You must be able to tell me the difference between there, their, and they're. If you paid attention in grade school you'll have no problem with this. If you do then you are indeed dumber than a 5th grader.

You want a big white wedding and an expensive ring? Get the fuck outta here! What's with all this tradition? Tradition is for rich people, not people that will have to go into debt to pay for it. "But it's my special day, my perfect day!" Bitch, grow up! Life isn't a fairy tale, it's a horror movie.
Which leads me to the final item:

You remember the Addams Family? That's how I live. I like it creepy and kooky. I like monster movies and women who smile during the murder scenes.

Have I asked for the moon here? Hardly. It's all very reasonable. Here's what you get:
I am
A very young looking 43
5 foot 8
165 lbs
heavy tattoos
naturally dreadlocked
good-looking
funny funny funny
securely employed
no roommates
no children.

Now, if you have read this, and you're not thinking in your head, "What a bastard. There's nothing wrong with..."
then feel free to contact me.